ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I party with great urgency now.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
