How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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