Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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