Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
