If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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