i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
