I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize