why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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