I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
