I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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