I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
