1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
