M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
