don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
