my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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