He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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