I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize
