Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
