I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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