and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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