sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
