The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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