cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I checked into jail on foursquare
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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