I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
