Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
