All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
