he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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