I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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