I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
