even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
