I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
