i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
