oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
