Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize