she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
