Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
