My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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