Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
