Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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