I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
there's paper in my vomit.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
