p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
