we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
