there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
it's like heaven, but drunker
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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