remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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