I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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