Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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