He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
