Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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