captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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