i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
porn star boner night. come get it.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
