i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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