New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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