i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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