I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
