the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Randomize