Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
