i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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