I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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