there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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