If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
