So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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