i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
